When I was 21 years old, I attempted suicide. It was my third and final attempt, but it was the most profound.
Pain. I couldn’t escape it – nothing else existed around or within me. It had been suffocating me for months. My emotional scars ran deep and were barely healed before they would rip open. They were constantly being reopened and being an empath only magnified their intensity. I just couldn’t do it anymore. One morning, I sat in my thoughts. And then it hit me: I could just end my life, and the pain would stop. Immediately, I felt better.
I started putting together my plan. I strategically chose an outfit that the coroner could easily remove without too much trouble when conducting my autopsy. The location that would be my final resting place would be in a forest far enough away where people wouldn’t accidentally come across my body and, consequently, have irreparable mental or emotional damage. I also planned on calling 911 the moment I knew it was almost over, so no one would even have time to find my body. The closer I got to the end the better I felt. The pain will end soon. I just need to keep going a little bit longer. I wrote my suicide note. Music had been my outlet up until that morning, so I made sure to listen to my favorite song for the last time. Then, I grabbed a kitchen knife and wrapped it in a towel, so as not to arouse suspicion.
There is something better out there. I heard my inner wisdom say. I put the knife back into the knife block, went to my bedroom, and cried until my head hurt. That night, I was 5150’d.
At the hospital, I was among the broken, damaged, and healing. I listened to heart-wrenching stories and saw self harm at its worst. I felt vulnerably raw, uncomfortable in my own skin, and numb from the medication. There was no threshold to further descend to; I had hit rock bottom. But as soon as I had discovered that, I started to heal.
I left the hospital reborn.
Everyday following my rebirth, I would ask the same question hoping for an answer from somewhere or something. When there are so many that aren’t as lucky, why save me?
Little did I know that my attempt actually shoved me into the right direction.
This blog is about finding that answer, my journey awakening my truth path in life, and discovering new passions for yoga, meditation, crystals, my chakras, and energy work along the way.
If you are in the same situation as I was in, please let somebody know. Here is information for the National Suicide Prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255. You are never, ever alone.